I don’t have a big audience on Blogger; I am okay with it. I have more on here at WordPress. I am about to make a doodle\sketch but I meed inspiration right now. I will post it on Instagram and on here. I haven’t been doing too much really except well, reading to educate myself. I have a few goals, two really; in mind being processed. 1. Walking the halls of my building twice when I’m not with my boyfriend to lose the extra five pounds I’ve gained, and for self satisfaction 2. Filling a 500 ml cherry coke bottle with dimes and treat myself when finished….depending on how much I gather and what I want. Now I hope this is attainable beacause I’m not re-writing it or altering it.
I want to create goals for myself and reach’em. What’s the point of living and never having any goals to reach? Doesn’t it make life more interesting? I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly successful Teens; and I am 42, and really learning from the lessons, although I’m pass teenagehood. Sean Covey is very astounding at concrete examples. I seriously like his work. Without further due; I am gonna get off of here and go looking for inspiration.
I don’t know what to say; I’ve been feeling under the weather. Forgiving myself is harder than I felt it was. I’m getting better, at distinguishing slashing and it’s repercussions to not doing it. I feel sluggish and have no motivation to do very much. I only feel like sleeping, eating ,watching television, walking a little, coloring, doodling and reading at night. Not much of a life; who knows..who cares. I am learning to care for myself only. With a needy boyfriend, I can’t do all the things I WANT, at any given moment. It sucks, it really does.
I write more on this site than I do in my own personal journal. It’s strange, I guess I like writing with my writing instruments more than typing usually, but this site’s alright too. I will be going to bed soon as I had a damn s’mores flavored iced cappuccino yesterday during the day; shit!!. I also had an anxiety attack because I lost or got my bus pass stolen from my purse. Yep; I lost it.. I wanted to slash my wrist because of it. I KNOW IN MY MIND AND HEART it is only a temporary fix to a lifelong of painful scars and ugliness. I wanna get better or start feeling better by doodling and plus do things I want to do.
Not much has been going on; chilling with the boyfriend, his kitty (my son), volunteering and sleeping. Tonight? I’m doing good not tired and listening to KICX 91.7 our country music station.
I’ve done another doodle with a compass, and a gel pen. The color’s clear but I made a few boo boo’s. I like doodling and not tired of it. Wednesday I will be getting a nice pixie cut, yay it’s hot with this hair thickness. I don’t have much too say, I haven’t been art journaling in a long while. I’m long overdue. I’m not sure what to art or journal about right now even though I have many prompts waiting for me. I’m gonna doodle and color in my coloring books until I get a zap of creativity. Anyways this is pretty much all.
I’m fixing supper for myself! and I’m just maybe finished a collage of shapes, triangles. I cut a cardboard page into triangles and glued them on some stock paper that I first glued in my book. Now; to choose a color for that piece of art?? Not sure yet what I’ll do or just sharpie marker it?? I haven’t got any ideas going through my head yet. I know I need to eat and maybe think about it or let it sit a few days say the weekend and for sure I’ll have a couple of ’em. This Art journal has taken me like forever to complete. I like to take my time and it’s personal to me really so there’s no deadlines :). I post the nicest pages though. If I’m starting a talk about my occupations or what I’ve been doing lately then I’ll post those pages . I’m maybe going to the dollar store to look for a jar for my Sharpie markers which I saw online from a video vlog. It’s about how to take (better) care of your coloring medias, how add character to your drawings with Sharpies, sorting to put colors in order , color hues together so it’s easier to manage and see the choices. Anyways got to go eat and gthat’s all I really have to say.
So anyways, yesterday I was pushed to my limit as to how much I could take. Well I blew up and bad, yelling ”Fuck Off” repeatedly and sobbing. My boyfriend knew how I was when I got pushed to my limit, and so, why did he do what he did? Not sure!! and it was all because of a fucking damn pair of dressy to semi-dressy pants. I am still aching about it today because I am doing my laundry and they’re not in!! I checked my closet hangers and not there either. I know and remember putting them in his hamper and now they’re gone!!! I don’t loose pants like that, on the flick of a flame. He is so unorganized and like his mother. He says he isn’t like her; pffff !!coulda fooled me buddy.
When he does laundry he just shoves it on the the railing in a big (globb) pile. His mother, she’s worse, she shoves her old jacket and sweater on a chair, her chair, her recliner never bothering to hang it up. She always does that all the time. So why should I bother moving in with him? Like really; to get anxious and hurt and treated like I’m the one who has an issue? People don’t help!!The boyfriend’s mother is not negative but not the most positive either. I can only take so much and then I need to go. This is how bad the apartment is or looks. I feel clostrophobic when I go there lately. It’s cramped and tight . There’s junk lying all over the floor, and she collects things that are ”heirloom” objects as she states; like give me a break!
I have a hard time dealing with some issues that are out of my control. Like my boyfriend’s father not respecting that I can’t breathe when I go there to visit. I tried to make it clear that he refrain from smoking while we’re eating. He can’t even respect that. He lit up so I said to everybody at the table including him ”I’m not eating until you finish your cigarette.” Like what an A$$hole. Just last week my boyfriend treated me of being selfish an inconsiderate because his father’s wife’s father is dying and all I am concerned about is cigarette smoke. He, himself, is narcissistic. Housing is on my but forcing me to pay what I never used; an air conditioner, since this bloody summer. I told them I had none since there were new windows and balcony doors installed, I just had fans. Well I had to give a letter stating I had what I said I had, two fans and nothing else so I didn’t lie. These are all stupid little twists and challenge that one should not have to deal with everyday because of anxiety and\or depression.
So anyways; I got to wear a BP monitor for 24 hrs. This thingy machine hurts my arm real bad when checking my pressure. Oh yeah, my mother told me was ”complaining” to the doctor I had a fucking white coat effect, so then she decided to send me for a blood pressure test before deciding to put me on medication for it. Now my mother wants me to tell her when my doc calls to give me the results, that she can go too. What the hell for? She hurts me and wants to know about my health? I’m tired tonight so I’m going to bed pretty soon, this fucking cuff hurts my arm. I lost one day of cleaning this place a bit. I don’t have much to do anyways. Then I get to go out yay! to an art gallery. I drew or better; designed another mandala. I think some of my sharpie markers are dying out :(. So anyways I’m gonna go brush my teeth and head to bed. My jaw hurts but not as much as my damn arm. so this is it. I’m gonna write tomorrow night will have no cuff, it’ll all be over… wOOt.